The 50 States If They Were People In A Bar
July 29, 2015 by Richard Lorbach in Foaming at the Mouth
July 29, 2015 by Richard Lorbach
A recent Reddit post asked users the following question: “The United States is a bar, what is each State doing and drinking?”
Alabama is a fat guy with a goatee, wearing a camouflage jacket and a trucker hat. Despite his drunkenness and outwards appearance of being a racist redneck, he is actually pretty nice to everyone at the bar. He’s drinking a can of Budweiser.
Alaska hasn’t left the bar from the night before.
Arizona is the bouncer, kicking Mexicans out who are trying to get in from the bar across the street. Ironically, he’s drinking Tecate.
Arkansas is drinking straight whiskey and asking people if they want to arm wrestle to prove how manly they are.
California is constantly buying drinks for others, yet has failing kidneys from lack of hydration.
Colorado is a beautiful, perfectly athletic couple wearing all Patagonia, drinking craft beer talking about their last mountaineering trip, with an air of aloofness.
Connecticut is a rich white woman sipping a martini and silently judging all the other states.
Delaware is that guy who hangs around the outside of the New York, Pennsylvania, Maryland and New Jersey friend-circle, taking occasional sips from his Yuengling and mostly being ignored, except when New York has to go past him to get to the bar.
Florida is drinking moonshine while riding an alligator through the orange groves to the local Publix.
Georgia will be drinking Bud Light, wearing a UGA trucker hat, tortoise Costa Del Mar sunglasses, solid colored Polo shirt, questionably short shorts with a UGA belt, and driving a Z71 with a Browning decal in their rear window (even though he only went hunting twice, in Jr High) and a UGA license plate frame. He went to Valdosta State University, and he works in his dad’s local business.
Hawaii is alone in a corner of the bar, away from the other states, drinking a cocktail from a coconut.
Idaho is drinking Keystone Light and pretending they are part of the South.
Illinois is a larger gentleman, eating deep dish pizza and drinking a Goose Island. He’s reminiscing about the ’85 Bears and how “this is the Cubs year”.
Indiana is in line for the toilet, drinking a Budweiser or a Coors, checking out the ladies and thinking about how bullshit it is that you can’t buy alcohol on Sunday.
Iowa is sitting next to Illinois, just trying to have someone pay attention to him.
Kansas is dressed in a plaid shirt, jeans and clean boots. He’s friendly enough and even buys a round to get the party started. After a few drinks, it’s obvious he feels sorry for Oklahoma, hates Missouri, and is hung up on Colorado. After striking out with California, him and Wisconsin get hammered drunk and sing Country Boy.
Kentucky would be drinking bourbon and arguing with anybody who will listen about college basketball.
Louisiana is celebrating that lack of open container laws by standing outside of the bar with an Abita Amber or a Sazerac and looking disdainfully at the drinking abilities of all of the other states. “Amateurs.”
Maine is wearing an L.L. Bean flannel and drinking Allen’s Coffee Brandy.
Maryland is drinking a Chesapeake margarita. Rim-lined with Old Bay. He is insisting that everyone try his drink because it’s really good if you just give it a chance, but no one else seems to get it.
Massachusetts is in a bar fight with New York over sports.
Michigan is drinking some micro brew and playing Euchre while trying to conjure up nice things to say about Detroit.
Minnesota is a pleasant guy drinking Summit Extra Pale Ale and will happily buy you one. He’s hanging out with his obnoxious brother-in-law North Dakota even though he doesn’t want to but he’s too nice to tell them to bug off.
Mississippi is just looking to start a fight with Alabama about who’s less redneck.
Missouri is in a drunken argument with Kansas about who gets custody of their strange in-between child – Kansas City.
Montana has to be two different people. Eastern Montana is a cowboy drinking Budweiser and gets into a fight with Wyoming over sheep vs cattle, but this happens every week and they make up afterwards. Western Montana, on the other hand, is a hipster/hippie throwback with dreadlocks who drinks craft beer or PBR and absolutely reeks of marijuana.
Nebraska decided to stay in his truck and drink Keystone Light in the parking lot.
Nevada is a sketchy, middle-aged balding man chain-smoking cigarettes he pulls from his black leather jacket, rolling dice on the bar counter top and drinking whiskey, straight up.
New Hampshire is a skinny, nerdy white guy in a collared shirt and khakis, who also carried in signs for his favorite political candidate. He’s drinking craft beer and getting into philosophical and political discussions with Vermont and Maine, but is open to talk to everyone. He is quick to tell everyone he loves himself, and humbly without arrogance.
New Jersey is a man of Italian/Mediterranean descent wearing a wifebeater and track pants. He’s downing Jagerbombs and giving people the finger.
New Mexico is the quirky but good-natured one who is getting a bit too wasted with whatever shots the other states buy them because they can’t afford it.
New York is an Italian businessman, wearing an expensive suit, with a perfect haircut and slicked back hair. He is talking down to New Jersey, like a father talking to a son, and he’s drinking Scotch.
North Carolina is an attractive, bubbly blonde girl of average height with a smoky accent, who’s just graduated from UNC and has taken a job teaching young kids. She is hanging out with South Carolina and Virginia, and she isn’t drinking anything because she just found out she’s pregnant.
North Dakota was told by South Dakota that everybody was getting together next week.
Ohio is an incredibly average white guy, that’s not out of shape but not in good shape either. He has his sports hat on of his favorite Ohio sports team and is drinking good beer but nothing fancy. He has a family and works in an office. He can’t stop talking about how much he hates himself, but doesn’t leave due to his ties there, and would miss his friends if he left.
Oklahoma is an obese couple who have not moved from their spots since sitting down next to Texas. They have on sweatpants, and brought in fast food to eat at the bar. They are drinking Bud Light bottles.
Oregon is the hipster drinking the eclectic craft microbrew that nobody’s ever heard of.
Pennsylvania is a cheery, pretty brunette girl with blue eyes, dressed fairly preppy. She’s drinking Yuengling and making out with a handful of other states.
Rhode Island is drinking Narragansett pounders and is sitting on phone books on its barstool.
South Carolina is an overly drunk guy in his mid-twenties, wearing preppy pastel clothes, a sports jacket, and pants with little boats embroidered on them. He is talking about what he is going to do with his family’s old money to anyone who listens. He’s drinking an Old Fashioned.
South Dakota is an older, in-shape man with long, straight black hair tied in a pony tail. He looks vaguely Native American and sits at the bar carving various little statuettes out of soapstone. He’s wearing a worn leather biker vest and has a colt .45 at his hip, but despite his rough appearance many of his neighbors like Minnesota and Wyoming come over to talk to him and seem to get along quite well, often admiring his handiwork. Other states however don’t seem to notice him much, passing him by without a second thought.
Tennessee is drinking Jack Daniels and watching NASCAR.
Texas is singing karaoke about how great Texas is.
Utah is the designated driver, sipping on water and making sure nobody gets too crazy.
Vermont is a guy who brought in his own craft beer from his hometown in Vermont, and stubbornly refuses to try any other beer, but is pretty much friendly to everyone.
Virginia is drinking some local craft beer that their friend made at their brewery. They will only talk about all of the fancy craft beer they have drank while complaining about traffic.
Washington is a pale girl, very quiet and reluctant to be friendly to anyone except Oregon. She has glasses and a couple books, and isn’t drinking because she’s enjoying a cup of coffee she got from her favorite place on the way here. She loves hiking with her boyfriend and watching indie movies and documentaries on Netflix. She yells at New Jersey for throwing a napkin on the floor and not in the correct recycling bin.
West Virginia is downin’ enough Bud Light to float a battleship, and talking nostalgically of the days when copper prices were higher.
Wisconsin is drinking Spotted Cows and Brandy-old fashioneds (sweet) and eating cheese curds – and is 5-6 drinks ahead of everyone else including the guy from Alaska.
Wyoming would be on the roof with a rifle, muttering conspiracy theories about black helicopters.
Bonus… Puerto Rico is standing outside staring through the window, wishing it could join the party.
Bonus #2… Washington D.C. is the bartender since it’s not a state but is essential for the whole thing to keep running. Plus everyone loves it when they need something and hates it when they don’t.